Real Interviews With Fake Bands #1: Angus Hoele

Good evening America. This is Martin Gabriel. Tonight, in my first installment of “Real Interviews With Fake Bands,” I am sitting with the colourful lead singer of Shitty Kitty, Angus Hoele.

We’ll discuss their current hit single, “Inkblot Cumshot,” which is currently #49 on Buzzy FM’s top 50 songs of the week, as well as other topics including the origin of the band’s name.

Martin Gabriel: Hello Angus, how’s fame treating you?

Angus Hoele: Oh it’s brilliant. I’ve never received so many free drugs and hand-jobs in my life.

MG: Classy. So, after the success of your debut single, “Twat Torturing Tentacle,” were you worried that expectations might be too high for your encore?

AH: Not really. Our album, Bollocks Are Something We Never Paid Much Attention To, is damn good from start to finish. We could release every track as a single and they’d all be hits.

MG: Perhaps. Anyhow, people want to know as they always do with fresh, new bands, where did you get your name?

AH: Well we originally went by the name of Freaktard. That’s when we were an indie-hip-hop-ragtime-electro outfit. But that scene got too crowded and watered down so we moved on to a sort of existential, philosophical, surf-Goth punk and changed our names to The Fuck Cabbages. And you can just imagine how many imitators came after and ripped our shit off. Bunch of goddamn poseurs you know? So we said, fuck everyone and totally reinvented our sound into music that really expressed who we were. It was like if Kurt Cobain ate a copy of T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland,” shit it out and then Lemmy Kilmister, Iggy Pop and Richard Wagner had a three way on top of that pile of shit and gave birth to a four legged baby with antlers. That’s what our music sounded like.

MG: And that’s Shitty Kitty?

AH: No, that was Mother’s Cunt. Shitty Kitty came after.

MG: What happened to Mother’s Cunt?

AH: Brian, our guitarist, got fired from FedEx Office for making posters for our shows and not paying. He blamed the band for getting evicted from his apartment so he quit the band. It was a huge creative loss and we couldn’t see continuing Mother’s Cunt without such a vital piece. Plus, he was the only one who knew how to play the really complicated bits of the songs.

MG: And how did Shitty Kitty come about?

AH: Well, Brian was the only one who had a job and he pretty much paid for all our promo stuff and our weed. So, one of had to start working but no one wanted to…I mean we get so busy writing and…you know, stuff.  Anyway, we drew straws and Larry, our bassist, was it. He picked up a gig at a recycling plant where he had to sort paper, plastic, and other sorts of rubbish. One night he found a bunch of stationery, t-shirts, posters and junk like that for a Japanese toy that was supposed to be called “Silly Kitty” except the printers fucked it all up and instead it read “Shitty Kitty.”

MG: So that was your inspiration?

AH: Absolutely. Plus, now we had all this free promo crap! Want a t-shirt? It’s pink but I have it in large.

MG: No thanks. So I’m told that you’ve been kind enough to compile a playlist for our audience à la LateNightTales. Are these the bands that motivated you to become a musician?

AH: Oh not at all. I couldn’t care less about music. I just wanted to be a bloody rock star so I can shag birds at shows. No this playlist I put together is what I listen to when I go cornholing.

MG: You mean bean bag tossing?

AH: Bean bag wha? No man. In the out hole. Up the Cadbury’s. Buggering.

MG: I get it.

AH: Donut making. Bone Smuggling.

MG: OK! I get it! Enough…This should be interesting.

A. Hoele’s Cornholing Playlist

1. “I’m Gonna Be A Slut”           Pansy Division
2. “Lola”             The Kinks
3. “Add It Up”               Violent Femmes
4. “Sex Changes”            The Dresden Dolls
5. “Rape Me”                  Nirvana
6. “Cake and Sodomy”               Marilyn Manson
7. “Back Door Man”                   The Doors
8. “Ring Of Fire”                        Johnny Cash
9. “Walk On The Wild Side”                  Lou Reed
10. “Live Bed Show”                   Pulp
11. “Every Breath You Take”                   The Police
12. “Suck My Kiss”          Red Hot Chili Peppers
13. “Brown Sugar”           The Rolling Stones
14. “This Love is Fucking Right”             The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
15. “She’s Like Heroin”                System of a Down
16. “Nancy Boy”              Placebo
17. “Possum Kingdom”                Toadies
18. “Mutherfuker”                        Beck
19. “Naked Pictures (Of Your Mother)”              Electric Six
20. “What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?”         Combichrist
21. “After The Flesh”                   My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
22. “Smack My Bitch Up”            The Prodigy

Download the ear candy here: http://www.mediafire.com/?1ek45i02vfdc95j

Playlist of the Weak #3: El Oso presents “Punk Love”

“Things ne’er do go smoothly weddings, suicides, or courtships.” – Mark Twain

Hello puppets. It is I, El Oso.

CPITS has asked me to talk about love in lieu of my favorite night of the year, Valentine’s Day. I’ve already got my plans for this hunting season which are always the same: find some sad broad at a bar, load her up on Red Headed Sluts, follow her home, move her bed seven inches from its original spot and then leave a number to a pizza place as my own.

That is unless she has money. Then she gets my real number and a guilt trip about all those drinks I bought her on our first “date.” Eventually I get a new suit or a vacation to Costa Rica out of it.

Of course my romantic life hasn’t always been all rose petals and Astroglide.

A girl once broke up with me. I handled it well. I didn’t email her mother all the Polaroids I took behind the Denny’s dumpster; I only sent the ones that didn’t have her sister in it. I was still seeing her on the side.

This playlist I’ve thrown together last minute has many classic love themes: masturbation (self love), sharing special moments with the one you love like driving drunk (bonding), having sex with a corpse (beauty is in the eye of the beholder), and falling for a lesbian (opposites attract.)

I hope you all have a happy Valentine’s Day with your ball and chain. And if you don’t, then I’ll see you soon. I’ll be the handsome stranger putting out the vibe by the jukebox. I’ll wear my holiday underwear just for you.

Punk Love 

1. “Drunk Drivin”     Sublime
2. “Caress Me Down”      Sublime
3. “Fourteen”        The Vandals
4. “I Will Survive”       Cake
5. “First Orgasm”       The Dresden Dolls
6. “Self Esteem”               The Offspring
7. “Song for the Dumped”     Ben Folds Five
8. “Pulling Teeth”  Green Day
9. “Sorry”       Nerf Herder
10. “The KKK Took My Baby Away”       The Ramones
11. “Fuck Her Gently”        Tenacious D
12. “Code Blue”     T.S.O.L.
13. “My Girlfriend”      Guttermouth
14. “Someone To Love”     Fountains Of Wayne
15. “I’m The One”              Descendents
16. “Teenage Dirtbag”        Wheatus
17. “My Heart Is Yearning”            NOFX
18. “Too Drunk To Fuck”              Dead Kennedys
19. “The Ballad of Chasey Lain”                 Bloodhound Gang
20. “A New Hope”            Blink 182
21. “Shattered (You Left Me)”       The Exploding Hearts
22. “Mean Girl”      Unwritten Law
23. “Nothing Compares 2 U”          Me First And The Gimme Gimmes
24. “Need You Around”                 Smoking Popes
25. “Pink Triangle”      Weezer

Download the magic here: http://www.mediafire.com/?qjbn2qtjf4ag4db

Playlist of the Weak #2: The Honourable Sir Martin Gabriel

This is not where I bloody well thought I’d end up in the twilight years of my career.

Hello readers of the interwebs. My name is Martin Gabriel. If you’re a fan of a certain music magazine I’m not legally at liberty to mention (it has something to do with Stones that Roll) or a British music publication (I’m also not allowed to name) that features the letter “Q” prominently in its title, you may recognize me. If you’re saying to yourself, wait, that Martin Gabriel?

Indeed.

How then would a prize winning music journalist who has skied the French Alps naked with Madonna, bare knuckled fought Thom Yorke in a Chinatown back alley, and interviewed thousands of petulant rock stars and genuine rock gods?

A woman. A woman has done this to me. She took it all: my money, my career, my self respect, and even my son.

She married the boy.

‘Tis a torrid tale I wish not to delve into at the moment. Suffice it to say that this silly abomination of a website shall be my only creative outlet for the time being. This is not by choice fair readers. Nonetheless, I shall make the best of it.

I promise to be scrupulous, informative, and relentless as I have always been. Perhaps one day I can truly feel at home on CPITS.

But that is highly unlikely.

One day, Martin Gabriel will sit atop the heap of slayed naysayers and venomous, dignity destroying wenches, but for today, I will slum it with these dregs. I need to work or I’ll go mad.

I’ve compiled a collection of some of my favorite songs by bands I’ve either interviewed, snorted lines with, shagged, or fought against.

Keep an eye out for my upcoming interview with the up and coming rock band Shitty Kitty. Until then, cheers mates.

Martin Gabriel

1. “Eulogy”         Frank Turner
2. “Good Times, Bad Times”      Led Zeppelin
3. “I Want To Break Free”          Queen
4. “Life on Mars?”          David Bowie
5. “Sunburn”       Muse
6. “Death of a Party”      Blur
7. “Have A Cigar            “          Pink Floyd
8. “A Well Respected Man”       The Kinks
9. “Don`t Look Back In Anger”             Oasis
10. “Oh Shit!”       The Buzzcocks
11. “Happy Jack”              The Who
12. “Drowning Man”        U2
13. “I Still Believe”           Frank Turner
14. “Writers Block”          Just Jack
15. “The Bed`s Too Big Without You”    The Police
16. “Mr. Writer”    Stereophonics
17. “This Charming Man”             The Smiths
18. “Help The Aged”        Pulp
19. “We Never Change”   Coldplay
20. “Punchdrunk Lovesick Singalong”     Radiohead

Download the Martin’s state of mind told through music here: http://www.mediafire.com/?6x2wfbu4ujts9x9

You Got A Staring Problem Eight Eyes?

He’ll drink all your Yuengling, eat all your waffles, and steal your girlfriend.

He’s Charlie The Spider, Esq.

In addition to systematically raping and pillaging ladybug colonies, Charlie will be CPITS’ “man” in the streets interviewing people in the music industry and people who think they know about the music industry.

Alongside our human reporter, famed British rock ‘n’ roll journalist, Martin Gabriel, Charlie will be featured every so often on a feature titled “Fake Interviews With Real Bands” while Martin will handle duties on “Real Interviews With Fake Bands.”

I promise this will all make sense very soon.

For now enjoy the video for Nerf Herder’s “Pervert” which pretty much sums up Charlie’s thought process.

Playlist of the Weak #1: Introducing “El Oso”

Hello.

My name is El Oso. You don’t know me. Nor should you.

Aside from once standing next to Jack White and not vomiting in excitement, I’ve never truly tasted celebrity or done anything worth noticing by people with a shorter attention span than my own.

But that’s all about to change.

Writing as a guest blogger on a blog that no one reads yet will be my triumphant introduction to the masses. After all, why does anyone spend their free time writing articles or essays on the internet without getting paid?

For free?

Without getting paid? Seriously.

I don’t want to be a good person. I don’t want to be a caring father. I don’t want to be a loving husband.

I want to be rich, famous, and worshiped by lonely women who, one day, I’ll have to hire security to keep from sneaking into my bedroom, carrying nothing more than a monkey wrench, a sack of razor blades and a jar of honey.

When the world’s governments come to a standstill from bickering over oil and moon bases, they’ll come to me. I’ll agree to mediate because I am a benevolent man. Then I’ll irresponsibly abuse the power bestowed upon me.

Crowds of starving children will chant: “OSO! OSO! OSO!” And I’ll say stop! Do not call that name for he is not your savior. Instead shout to the heavens for your true savior.

“El. Oso.”

Because that is my proper title. Get it right you ignorant little bastards. I bet you can’t even color inside the lines.

And so, I encourage you all to make my dreams come true. Reading about me and my adventures won’t only benefit me but it’ll enrich your life in some fleeting way that I have yet to really discern because I’m lying anyhow. Ignore any of the other idiots who might inhabit this blog. They don’t love you like I do…

I’ve compiled a playlist of music because I was told I had to. The owner of this blog told me it was the only way he’d let me on. Self important, ego maniacal prick. When I control the universe, I’m going to buy the internet and turn off the power switch every time he tries to illegally download Russian anal porn or the latest John Mayer album. Sissy.

Here’s my mix. It’s a collection of songs that tell you all how awesome I am. I hope it makes you love me as much as I love me.

EL OSO

1. “Bad Mother Fucker Wallet” Samuel L Jackson
2. “All Of The Lights”    Kanye West
3. “Like a Boss”  The Lonely Island
4. “Paper Planes”            M.I.A.
5. “Feeling Better”          The Teenagers
6. “Starz In Their Eyes”              Just Jack
7. “Got Your Money”     Old Dirty Bastard
8. “Polaroids And Red Wine”                Jaguar Love
9. “We Run This”            Missy Elliott
10. “Never Win”               Fischerspooner
11. “You Can’t Stop Me Now”                RZA
12. “Crown On the Ground”        Sleigh Bells
13. “We Are Rockstars”               Does It Offend You, Yeah?
14. “Starfuckers Inc.”                   Nine Inch Nails
15. “Rock Your Socks”    Tenacious D
16. “Get Real Paid”          Beck
17. “The World Is Yours”             Nas
18. “Sticks ‘N’ Stones”      Jamie T
19. “Sexual Powertrip (One Big Lie) Bla Bla”                 Blue October
20. “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”          Tears For Fears

Download the love here: http://www.mediafire.com/?roemb1j0zp5uu1v

Happy Lions Petting Zoo

“I didn’t want to do a zoo show. I didn’t want to do a study of someone with mental illness. I just wanted to show someone who was trying to live their life.” – Daniel Craig, actor.

“Jails and prisons are designed to break human beings, to convert the population into specimens in a zoo – obedient to our keepers, but dangerous to each other.” – Angela Davis, author, political activist.

The world is nuts. People at large are maniacs, perhaps even, some would say, animals. How do we as a whole stay collectively sane?

I for one, find solace in music. My name is Drunken Bare. My imaginary friends and I aim to help the public at large by providing music for the masses. Music that will console, invigorate, inspire, and ultimately get you through a shitty day of work, or being a parent, or having to deal with other humans not as evolved as yourself.

There will also be music for those of you who arm wrestle with voices in your own head. We love you too.

This ensemble piece of DJing and playlist creating will hopefully provide a safe haven for those with sense of humor, a desire to escape or maybe for people who just need an alternative to both the radio and American Idol.

Over time, I hope the guest bloggers on Children Playing In The Street can provide you with moments that will brighten your day; moments that let you know that your not the only one who fantasizes about taking a ball peen hammer to the skulls of idiots; moments of discovery and awesomness; and moments of mindless, funny stupidity.

Cheers to you and your ears.

Drunken Bare