Real Interviews With Fake Bands #1: Angus Hoele

Good evening America. This is Martin Gabriel. Tonight, in my first installment of “Real Interviews With Fake Bands,” I am sitting with the colourful lead singer of Shitty Kitty, Angus Hoele.

We’ll discuss their current hit single, “Inkblot Cumshot,” which is currently #49 on Buzzy FM’s top 50 songs of the week, as well as other topics including the origin of the band’s name.

Martin Gabriel: Hello Angus, how’s fame treating you?

Angus Hoele: Oh it’s brilliant. I’ve never received so many free drugs and hand-jobs in my life.

MG: Classy. So, after the success of your debut single, “Twat Torturing Tentacle,” were you worried that expectations might be too high for your encore?

AH: Not really. Our album, Bollocks Are Something We Never Paid Much Attention To, is damn good from start to finish. We could release every track as a single and they’d all be hits.

MG: Perhaps. Anyhow, people want to know as they always do with fresh, new bands, where did you get your name?

AH: Well we originally went by the name of Freaktard. That’s when we were an indie-hip-hop-ragtime-electro outfit. But that scene got too crowded and watered down so we moved on to a sort of existential, philosophical, surf-Goth punk and changed our names to The Fuck Cabbages. And you can just imagine how many imitators came after and ripped our shit off. Bunch of goddamn poseurs you know? So we said, fuck everyone and totally reinvented our sound into music that really expressed who we were. It was like if Kurt Cobain ate a copy of T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland,” shit it out and then Lemmy Kilmister, Iggy Pop and Richard Wagner had a three way on top of that pile of shit and gave birth to a four legged baby with antlers. That’s what our music sounded like.

MG: And that’s Shitty Kitty?

AH: No, that was Mother’s Cunt. Shitty Kitty came after.

MG: What happened to Mother’s Cunt?

AH: Brian, our guitarist, got fired from FedEx Office for making posters for our shows and not paying. He blamed the band for getting evicted from his apartment so he quit the band. It was a huge creative loss and we couldn’t see continuing Mother’s Cunt without such a vital piece. Plus, he was the only one who knew how to play the really complicated bits of the songs.

MG: And how did Shitty Kitty come about?

AH: Well, Brian was the only one who had a job and he pretty much paid for all our promo stuff and our weed. So, one of had to start working but no one wanted to…I mean we get so busy writing and…you know, stuff.  Anyway, we drew straws and Larry, our bassist, was it. He picked up a gig at a recycling plant where he had to sort paper, plastic, and other sorts of rubbish. One night he found a bunch of stationery, t-shirts, posters and junk like that for a Japanese toy that was supposed to be called “Silly Kitty” except the printers fucked it all up and instead it read “Shitty Kitty.”

MG: So that was your inspiration?

AH: Absolutely. Plus, now we had all this free promo crap! Want a t-shirt? It’s pink but I have it in large.

MG: No thanks. So I’m told that you’ve been kind enough to compile a playlist for our audience à la LateNightTales. Are these the bands that motivated you to become a musician?

AH: Oh not at all. I couldn’t care less about music. I just wanted to be a bloody rock star so I can shag birds at shows. No this playlist I put together is what I listen to when I go cornholing.

MG: You mean bean bag tossing?

AH: Bean bag wha? No man. In the out hole. Up the Cadbury’s. Buggering.

MG: I get it.

AH: Donut making. Bone Smuggling.

MG: OK! I get it! Enough…This should be interesting.

A. Hoele’s Cornholing Playlist

  1. “I’m Gonna Be A Slut”           Pansy Division
  2. “Lola”             The Kinks
  3. “Add It Up”               Violent Femmes
  4. “Sex Changes”            The Dresden Dolls
  5. “Rape Me”                  Nirvana
  6. “Cake and Sodomy”               Marilyn Manson
  7. “Back Door Man”                   The Doors
  8. “Ring Of Fire”                        Johnny Cash
  9. “Walk On The Wild Side”                  Lou Reed
  10. “Live Bed Show”                   Pulp
  11. “Every Breath You Take”                   The Police
  12. “Suck My Kiss”          Red Hot Chili Peppers
  13. “Brown Sugar”           The Rolling Stones
  14. “This Love is Fucking Right”             The Pains of Being Pure at Heart
  15. “She’s Like Heroin”                System of a Down
  16. “Nancy Boy”              Placebo
  17. “Possum Kingdom”                Toadies
  18. “Mutherfuker”                        Beck
  19. “Naked Pictures (Of Your Mother)”              Electric Six
  20. “What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?”         Combichrist
  21. “After The Flesh”                   My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
  22. “Smack My Bitch Up”            The Prodigy

Download the ear candy here:

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2 thoughts on “Real Interviews With Fake Bands #1: Angus Hoele

  1. Dave says:

    Reminds me of the band called the Fucken Shitz that was featured as the punkest band ever in the MaximumRocknRoll letters section back in like 85…even MRR didn’t know whether they were real or not.

  2. […] Looks like Figment News isn’t the only one interviewing fake bands! […]

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